Old Habits Die Hard

Old habits die hard.

The last couple of days have been rough. I'm home by myself with the boys. Bug (2y) had something going on with him where he wasn't eating or talking, running a fever, diarrhea and vomiting. Yesterday he was feeling better, but still cranky and clingy.

Already exhausted from sleepless nights, we lay in bed. He tossed, turned and fussed for hours, never falling asleep. He fl ailed and knocked me hard, right on the nose, with his fist. I snapped, smacked his leg and burst out "DO NOT HIT ME!"

I am so ashamed to type that last sentence. I sit here, wishing I would delete it. Wishing it wasn't true.

I knew he didn't hit me intentionally. I knew he was feeling just as wretched as I was, likely worse. And boy did I feel wretched as I tried to comfort him and say I was sorry; as he pushed me away, afraid of me; as I listened to his sobbing. The sound of his gasping through his tears still haunts my ears. I can no longer say I've never struck Bug. I feel horrible, absolutely horrible. My heart aches and tears well up in my eyes as I type this.

I must look to the lessons learned. None of us are perfect. I must own up to my mistake, apologize, and do better in the future. I need to better allocate my time and energy in tough situations so I am not on edge. Eventually, I will need to forgive myself. It won't be today, but eventually.